Monday, September 12, 2011

Spiritual Wake-up Call

So it seems lately that people, namely Linds and Jan, have had these overwhelming reminders of the Lord and his love for each of us; and of the things that really matter most in this life. I had an experience that I want to share, mainly for journal keeping purposes (because I am horrible at actually writing in my journal...) and if I don't write it down, then I don't always remember how I felt.

For the past few months I haven't been feeling the Spirit very strongly (if at all). It seems that the more I would try to do what was right, the more guilty I felt for not being "good enough". I didn't pray enough, read scriptures enough...I didn't bare my testimony...I didn't know if I really had a testimony to bare... all of these thoughts just kept pounding deeper and deeper into my head. And the more I tried to pray or to read a spiritual thought to remind me of our Savior's love, the harder my heart became to the feelings of the Spirit. I was at the point where I didn't want to read or hear spiritual thoughts because it made me feel so bad about myself. I would think "Why don't I think that? Why don't I feel that way? I must not have a testimony because I don't have the same strength as other do". It was very DEPRESSING! And of course, I just kept this all inside and let it eat away at me; it's a curse and a blessing that I'm able to hide my feelings so well and pretend that everything is okay...

So for one of our activities for YW, we were planning on kick-starting the Personal Progress program again. The New Era was full of articles and ideas of how to start and stay motivated. Now another confession... I never finished my Personal Progress - how in the world am I supposed to set an example to these young women, when I didn't even do what I am asking them to do (there's one more ding at my spiritual self-esteem). So when our YW President asked me to plan on saying something to the girls that night, I just thought "Sure, I can fake my way through this one, no problem". Little did I know, that my Savior had something else in store for me. 

On the road we take to church, there is a Baptist (?) church building with a marquee out front. It often has little messages on it and I always read them, but rarely do they ever mean much to me. On the Sunday before this particular YW activity, I had read it and thought it was nice, but again it didn't settle in as deeply as it did on my way to the activity. The saying said (and I believe it's a scripture, possibly) "To Reject Christ is to Harden your Heart".

It had finally sunk in that I was hardening my heart toward my Savior. I didn't want to hear other peoples testimonies...I didn't want to see the faith in other's because it made me feel bad for my lack of faith, so I just tried to tune it all out... Boy, am I glad that the Lord loves me and puts things in my path to remind me of his love and that he wants me to be HAPPY. 

So I was able to wake up and soften my heart. I realized that the Lord has us do these small and simple things, that all add up to one great, big thing. The reason for this, is so that we don't get overwhelmed! If we are looking at the big picture, we will never be able to make it! It's too hard. We need to step back and take it one piece at a time. I was able to relate this story to the YW to show them how Personal Progress helps them achieve this goal. They need to take each requirement one at a time in order to succeed. I couldn't believe it... I had actually felt the Spirit whisper to me how I was supposed to help these girls! I was like all of those other ladies that I look up to so much, who receive answers to their prayers...who have the faith to know that their Heavenly Father loves them and will help them...I am just like them! (I guess I just needed a little reminder...)

So I'm sorry for such a long post, but I guess I just really wanted to share my story and hope that I might be able to help someone else that might have these same thoughts. I love and hate having to go through these experiences...but honestly, I wouldn't change it for the world. Because now, I will ALWAYS REMEMBER! I will always remember that my Savior loves me, that he died for me, and that he knows exactly how i feel and what I need in order to return to Him. I know that even if I'm not perfect, I can do little things to help me reach perfection one day. I'm so grateful for this gospel and  for all of those people that help me each day to be better. 

1 comment:

  1. Kell I love you! You are so cute. I am sure that you are such a blessing in those girl's lives. You are the perfect person for the job, all the small things that happen make you the person you are today, and that is who they need, YOU! I just noticed that was really cheesy but it is really is true.